“I’m Afraid to Commit to Working on This Relationship When I Don’t Know if I Want to Stay”

I have been in therapy for most of the last several years. My therapist warned me when I started that therapy was likely to result in the end of my marriage. She doesn’t tell me what I should do, but has continued to say that she thinks I probably will leave the marriage eventually if I recover. Neither of us thinks that I am ready to leave yet, although there were times when I thought that I was and she talked me out of it because I still need him.

My husband is not a bad person. He’s not perfect, but nobody is. I think that I married him because he was the first one who asked me. But then I remember that I did break up with someone before him, who was exciting and fun to be with, but not a member of the church (this guy said he would join for me and I told him that wasn’t the right reason).

When I said yes to my husband, I was afraid that it would be my only chance, and I needed a way to escape from the situation I was living in. He was a rescuer and I was a damsel in distress. And now he feels more like a parent than a spouse. I want my own room and my independence because I never had that.

Is it wrong to want my own room? I feel like I’m really just using him, because I can’t be a wife anymore. I need to be able to separate, and develop an identity of my own. And I would like to go away to graduate school (my chances of being accepted to a program that is what I want within driving distance are slim). He wouldn’t move to wherever I did get in.

I am already doing a lot of the things that you suggest, so I feel good about that. The big one that I’m not doing is couples therapy. I’m hesitant about that because I really don’t know what I want the outcome to be, and I’m afraid to commit to working on this relationship when I don’t know if I want to stay. I have asked my husband if we could work on being friends, and he said that I never was a friend to him. I wish that we could be friends, but I know that isn’t what he wants, and think that it would be better for him if I were not in his way.

• I am encouraged by the fact that you have sought professional help. However, the role of a therapist should never be to tell you what to do. The therapist should act as an objective sounding board, an educator and a challenger. It seems to me like you are looking for a therapist’s permission to leave your marriage. Only you can make this decision and the responsibility for this decision will lay squarely on your shoulders. A therapist should make you fully aware of the risks and benefits that could come as a result of your decisions, but even that is speculation since every situation is so individual.

• It sounds like you are able to see some redeeming qualities in your husband. This is very positive. It’s amazing how differently we can perceive another person when we are willing to look through a different lens.

• All of the things you seem to be seeking: independence, adventure, “room”, self-identity, graduate school experience – can be found within the possibility of staying married. This does not need to be an “either-or” situation.

• The fact that you are willing to terminate a 19-year marriage before seeking couples therapy is concerning to me. It does seem to speak to the fact that you may already know exactly what you want: a divorce. Therefore, the possibility that your marriage could work is a scary and unwanted outlook. Research shows that people who are having marital problems but choose to attend individual therapy have a much higher likelihood of getting divorced. Individual therapy tends to focus on individual needs, wants, and desires. It is not likely that the entire structure the individual is involved with will be taken into account. If your husband is willing then I would highly encourage couples counseling. Believe it or not, the roles you currently find yourselves in CAN change.

• What we tend to forget is that when we act ONLY in the behalf of ourselves, in essence we don’t. Forsaking duty and personal responsibility for the sake of self identity many times has the opposite effect. Because you can’t separate the two. Life is full of contradictions and it is from these that I believe we most learn. The contradiction between self-care and sacrifice for others is a big one. It is one that women in particular struggle with on a regular basis and that has no easy answers.

• It is not your job to worry about what is best for your husband – that is his job. Don’t get a divorce because you are telling yourself that it is a better alternative for him. If he wants a divorce, he’s a big boy and he can get one himself. This is a form of justification that will not serve you well in the end.

• I highly encourage you to pick up a copy of Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis. I think this is a must read before anyone decides to get a divorce. It will give you a very clear view of what you will be up against and realistic expectations of what to expect after divorce. Divorce will not solve the problems most people are hoping it will solve.