“What Do I Do When I Don’t Feel Safe Talking to My Husband About Sex?”

You mentioned in an earlier post about communicating with our spouse our view of sex–not just the fantasies. I don’t feel like I can do that with my husband. He is not a safe place to go for me. We have a different opinion about how and how often we should be having sex. Part of my opinion on that is because of insecurities that I have about my body, that sadly, he has made even worse. So when I try to express my opinions on the subject I feel like he has just gotten defensive. And his defense mechanism is to just shut down. It has been going on for a long time. In other areas of our marriage, I feel like we are doing pretty well, but this issue has lately begun to seep through our whole relationship and I feel like if we don’t take care of it soon, we won’t be able to at all.

I’m glad you found me! The issues you describe I find to be quite common in my work with LDS couples. There is a certain rigidity surrounding sexual issues that Latter-day Saints tend to deal with. Again, we all come to our marriages with our own sexual histories, sexual expectations and sexual taboos. And there is no guidebook given to us after the marriage ceremony to help us navigate through these complicated thoughts, feelings and sometimes frustrations. Here are some thoughts I had as I read through your experience:

• My first recommendation is to go get couples counseling. And make sure you go to someone who is qualified to do couples work, which is very different from individual therapy. You may also consider going to a specialized sex therapist who is even more qualified to deal with sexual issues. Consider myself or any of my colleagues at Symmetry Solutions. The biggest mistake that couples make when it comes to seeking help, is to not get it early enough. You say that your marriage is otherwise in a good place. Then this is a perfect time to work through issues. It’s much easier than when you add years of resentment, mistrust, anger and are at the verge of separating or just leading distant lives.

• Sexuality is tied very closely with our egos, self-esteem and for many a sense of shame or embarrassment. That’s why it is difficult to talk about and most of us could use some help in this department. A good therapist should respect your religious values regarding sexuality.

• It is very important to remember that the only person you have control over is yourself. And the only person who can work on your self esteem is yourself. If your partner is making comments that put you down, it can be extremely difficult to NOT have it affect your self esteem. However, ultimately your self-esteem is your own responsibility and I would recommend doing some self-esteem work. If your partner refuses to seek help with you, it is your right to seek help anyway. You can seek help from someone who is relationship oriented and still have individual work be beneficial to your marriage. Many times partners will join therapy after it has started when they are more comfortable with the idea.

• There is a big difference between constructive feedback and putting somebody down. Unfortunately in marriage we can often belittle our partner or find ourselves being criticized in an unproductive way. A common self-defense mechanism that most humans participate in is that when we don’t feel good about ourselves it is easy to find faults in others. Your husband may be struggling with his own self-esteem and be putting you down as an unhealthy response to his own issues. Obviously in a marriage situation, this negative pattern can spiral to the point that affection and intimacy are greatly affected. It is perfectly reasonable to set appropriate boundaries around hurtful or negative comments (i.e. “I am not ok with you putting down the way I look. It affects my self-esteem and it is not healthy for our marriage.”)

• It’s important to remember that pointing out to your husband or wife things that you don’t like about them, usually has the opposite effect of what you want.

• Sometimes when it is difficult to talk about something, especially when you have a spouse who withdraws from conflict, it can be useful to write a letter instead. I would include the following elements (and notice the use of “I” statements – you want to stay away from blaming):

1. These are the things I love about our marriage…. These are the things that I think we are good at….

2. At the same time, I feel like we would both agree that we’ve been struggling in this area…

3. I would like to get some outside help so that we can look forward to increasing the level of intimacy and trust in our relationship…. These are some options that I am considering…

4. Please let me know your thoughts on the matter…..

5. I believe in us…..

6. I love you and my desire is to be closer to you…

• If I was going to work with you as a couple some information that would be helpful to know about you would be:

1. is there any past sexual trauma for either partner?

2. what are your sexual histories? have you been honest with each other about your sexual histories?

3. what are the patterns of previous generations? what kinds of relationships were modeled? how was sex education and messages communciated about in the families of origin?

4. is there any past or current sexual behavior that would cause shame or secrecy (i.e. pornography use, affairs, ruminating thoughts, etc.)?

5. what’s the level of self-esteem work that has to be done?

6. are there any eating disorders involved?

Thank you so much for answering my question. I really appreciate your advice and suggestions.

You are very welcome!!